I had an episode the other day.
At a friend's house where I usually crash something hit me again. It was like one of ths days like when I wrote:
http://my40somethingadventures.blogspot.com/2013/09/an-introverts-epiphany.html
This time my mind wandered the deserts of time. I could not sleep. I decided to watch a rerun of the The Cosby Show, one of my favorite show of my teens. To this day i am still a big Coz fan.
The show I saw from the forst seadon was bout the wife Claire wantig to have another baby after having five (5) children. Cosby's character and even the other children were against it. It wasn't because they did not want a another baby but because of practical reasons. The show had cameo characters. In this one, their granmother paid a visit and gave Claire some practical advice. Hard as it is. After five kids, it was their turn to have their own children one day.
The show ended with Cosby's wife accepting her mother's advice, realizing the practicality of it and in a nutshell that she was..... old.
In the series, she was 45. I turn 45 in a few months. By now I am sure you are getting the flow of what this useless doodling is all about.
I then turn to the computer. The good old Facebook to waste my time and induce sleepiness without the valium. Great. I then come across this article about 100 Reasons not to have children:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anjali-joshi/100-reasons-not-to-have-kids-that-i-discovered-after-i-had-one_b_5184178.html
I agree to all the reasons. Strangely. I also agree to the final point the mother made.
Realization: I missed the bus.
Thanks to companies like Pfizer I can stilly physically produce children. PHYSICALLY as in the "act" of conceiving using my "ammunition". It is what comes after that poses an issue. A kid needs a father and mother in my book. Not an aging father, not a dead father or an "absentee" daddy. A child needs someone that will help shape this person to a fine, loving, productive human being. It's like cars, each model is supposed to be a better than the last, not a lemon. Unfortunately, that is one thing I can no longer do. Raise a child.
Oh that heavy feeling seems to get really heavy in these episodes. I lightly sleep at about 7 am.
However, in my years I learned that these "episodes" need not be negative or destructive on my part. back in the day, I would drink myself to oblivion to skirt things like this. What a pathetic coward I was.
I reaffirmed something that I will save for the last part of this writing.
The other day a classmate that also happens to be my Doctor and good friend calls me for a favor. He had something big to do at the hospital and needed someone to take his kid to school for his basketball clinic.
Hesitantly, I agree. I hesitate because I never did anything like this before. It seems simple to take a kid to a ball game but it is not simple for a guy that lives alone, never had kids, gets really out of place in kiddie parties and such. I go in the hopes of scoring with some single moms. Its a long shot but hey, what have I got to loose right?
The day comes and all is set. My classmate calls me about 10 am to remind me. I fall back to sleep. At 11 my classmate's kid calls me and asks where I am. I thought that game or clinic was at 1pm. I figured that I had more than enough time to collect the kid from his place to laze around my school, cool out at the gym or shoot some hoops.
The kid had a stickler for time and true enough i skipped the shower and sped off to him. We made it a full 20 minute before 1pm, in the scorching heat.
The kid sped to the gym. Now I spent 12 years in this school. The gym was my refuge. Not because of the sports but being in a dome on top of the world, it was a perfect place to cool out wind breezing from all directins and a lot of places to kick back and cool.
When I got there I got questioned by a school guard for security reasons. I point him
to my "kid" and tell the guard that he's mine. Call me paranoid but
the guard had that look in his face. It was that kinda look that "This
guy is some poser parent look". I tell Mr. Secret Service here that the
mother was a beauty queen. He then gets that stupid look off his
face. He then sported that that "That's must be why look" on his face.
Ten years ago i would have broke down....and broke one of his knees.
All sweaty and all with about 200 kids dribbling all over the place, I felt like I entered a steam bath. Global warming turned the gym into just that. An oven. A concrete, high ceiling greenhouse. This used to be to coolest place to hang out in!
After seeing my "kid" doing his crossover, over under behind the back, under the leg passes I try to escape the heat.
I escaped The Alcatraz of heat and venture into familar and yet unfamiliar territory. Going around places that I knew yet are not known to me any longer. the Prep classroom that was not there anymore, the high school building that was not the high school building. Swinging by my old classrooms, Grade school and High School offices like the Gudance office where I was a frequent flyer back in the day. I pass the library where I spent a lot of time sleeping...the clinic where I cajoled the nurses that I had a temperature and had to be home. By some strange reason I only get that 48 degree temp on Fridays. By some miracle I do get that pass home fairly conssistently. I had a few foster homes back then they were known as Halfway Inn, Greenhills or St. Scholastica's College.
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As i pass the halls memories flood my mind and emotions enguld my soul. That light happy feeling called reminscing that comes when you walk in a park was there.
My "son" was still doing the drills in the greenhouse.
Like some kind of scene for "Back to the Future", I saw a bunch of seniors having their Graduation Ball, some went stag because their dates could not make it but was there with another guy anyway. There was a kid that loved La Salle so much he studied math every summer for four years. In places like the bookstore I see a kid buying his Grade One kit, I see a kid rolling down the ramp after being shoved by his twerp classmate.....all the way down. That was a long, long way down. I see a in Grade 3 kid falling off the higher field straight down the lower field, screamig in pain. There was a kid smoking at Gate 9 and getting busted thrice. A bunch of men meeting in a room planning, violently arguing and bursting in laughter about their 25th anniversary in a conference room.
More scenes kept flashing in my mind's eye. Some kid "shooting" his M14 rubber band gun spot on his classmates neck three rows down. There was a kid holding this bag with a yelping peacock going into class..... that peacock kicked out a corrupt teacher. A 40 something kid in full regalia grade school uniform dancing on stage in complete uniform, bat shit wasted. In the cafeteria, I hear the song "Rumours".... some Brit saying clap your hands everybody was on the mic.... I the field I saw a guy singing "Sweet Child of Mine". I also saw a chair coming straight at him....
So many of these memories race through my mind. It was all there. In my mind. In my heart. One little boy with a full grown man, funny how time flies.
Surreal.
I usually take a trip around my old school every couple of years. I found this scribbling I made about one of those times years ago.
Here's something posted in our Yahoogroups 9 years ago:
Guys,
On a whim just today I went to LSGH to have lunch at the canteen. Goo Puyat was with me. Man, it is really strange to be back in school at around lunch time. So many memories were rushing to my head all at once. Some were lost in time forever. Not too much kids were around at the time. 4th Yea had early dismissal due to exams. The rest o the school was in class.Its also bizarre that the school has this particular smell, Googo concurs on that one.
What a trip. The Gazebo, St. Benilde, Quadrangle, Field. We swung by the Bookstore to buy some stickers. They have some real cool kits for PhP 1,000 complete with groom bags!
Ms. Galang is the Lower Year principal while Ms. Ella Samia heads theScience Department. Mr. Ochave is just teacher in English. Herman Rochester is gone. We had a chat with the upper year Assistan Principal. Let's just say he was extra proud of his accomplishments (getting a Phd., kicking out seniors etc.) using the power of mathematics. I bet he also used th subject to squirm all the way to the top... Paul Gureng, 2nd Year Math, a.k.a. Ung-gawa. On our way out there was a mommy with her problem kid on the way in. I chatted with her a bit coz she was fine, in a MILF way.....
By the auditorium, going out we passed Ms. Gorayeb. We introduced ourselves as '87 grads. She said "Oh, that recently". Wow she must be getting senile or something.
Oh about the canteen food? It sucked big time!
'till Friday, at sunset!
The ever friendly tingting
The point of this writing is my realization. The years have passed. i am home and yet It is no longer mine anymore. It is a magical place and i have to be an escort to a kid that will one day ply these areas and possibly experience something like what I did now....
Done with basketball, I locate my "kid" and saddle up for home. I asked a high school kid ask him to take the pic. His name plate revealed something. I knew this kid and decide to include him in the pic. He was one of ours, just a better, more "sosyal" version of his dad that may one day make this country even stronger.
It was a great pic to cap the day.
We meet the real kid's dad. I buy his son ice cream. the heat, slam dunking and crossovers made him famished. I just wanted to faint.
It was such an honor and privilege for me to do what I did that day. I kinda wish my own Dad did something like that for me back in the day...... He was too busy driving a boat or getting shot at.
So what did I re-learn, realize and accept again?
Some things were never meant to be and their is a reason for it. ALWAYS. But that don't mean its a punishment. It is just His will for reasons beyond us. There are other things that wait for us, for me. It may not be what I want but probably just what I need.
A family, a child. I guess my prayers were answered and that is fine. My purpose is for something else. An old word was reused in my vocabulary; discernment.
At 45, I learn again. Some things, if it is to be, will be, if it should, it would. Simple.
Maybe some of the purpose for my life are:
1. to be some kinda quartermaster for each organization I belong to
2. be a part time Dad to my closest buds.
3. help others especially those close to my heart
4. make people laugh at their lowest moments
5. Be myself.
6. to end a legacy wrong parenting practies in my family.
Maybe.
I missed the bus for having a family. There is another bus that I am supposed to take.
It kinda makes sense.
I thank God for that day when I was at my friend's place reflecting on what I am and where I am headed in the days to come. The acceptance of my discernment. My dharma.
While I relished the old memories for a day, I also look forward to the new memories to be made.
This past couple of days were memorable. Realizations. Reflections. Playing Dad for a day was a blast.....at my old school.
Thank you Leo.
