We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
- Welles, Orson
- See more at:
http://quotationsbook.com/quote/21537/?fb_action_ids=10151959933150466&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210151959933150466%22%3A10150301862244501%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210151959933150466%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D#sthash.2cldhjkV.dpufWe're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
- Welles, Orson
- See more at:
http://quotationsbook.com/quote/21537/?fb_action_ids=10151959933150466&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210151959933150466%22%3A10150301862244501%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210151959933150466%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D#sthash.2cldhjkV.dpuf
The other night I had an episode of loneliness.
As far as I can recall, this massive kind of attack first happened, more than a decade ago. It was like an attack of anxiety where I just feel so, well alone. In my late twenties was the most memorable "attack" that I recall. That time long ago I almost was driven to tears.
That other night, when I felt like it was just me in this world. Thoughts of no one else out there cares about me or loneliness engulfed my very soul. I could not sleep. I knew though that it would pass. Apparently, I knew this after enduring such bouts year after year since.
So many thoughts were racing through my mind. it was like my very soul was under (machine gun) fire. It was at this time I vividly recall getting lost with an old college heart throb friend of mine earlier in the year. This babe of a friend and got lost in conversation and ended up being really lost for an hour (for a trip that was supposed to take about fifteen minutes). We ere talking about loneliness, she being unmarried and living overseas. I remember this gorgeous woman saying something like "I am already used to being alone". I then sorta corrected her. I told her her "You never get used to being alone, you just learn to deal with it every time."
This was my time to deal with it.
That night of my episode, I Googled stuff like "Being Alone", "Dealing with Loneliness". "Meant to be Alone" and the like.
We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
- Welles, Orson
- See more at:
http://quotationsbook.com/quote/21537/?fb_action_ids=10151959933150466&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210151959933150466%22%3A10150301862244501%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210151959933150466%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D#sthash.Y1gRu40l.dpuf
After reading through a myriad of postings and a couple of hours later I came across this:
13 Rules for Being Alone and Being Happy About It http://advancedriskology.com/alone/#comments
This one struck a chord. That is putting it mildly. This one nailed it. This is very much what I am. An introvert. As such, being alone, I also crave for interaction and without it I sink to depression. Too much of interaction on the other hand makes me want to retreat back to my man cave, my Private Idaho, my solace.
Though I sometimes feel lonely, I also cannot be with people all the time. I actually function and exist better - alone.
Don't get me wrong. Though I have a quasi-hermit lifestyle, I don't really hole up by myself all the time. On the contrary, I have never been known to be a shy type. Instead, I display a bit of swagger and would be the one to take one for the team to go up in front of an audience of 10 or 10,000 for a song, a speech or maybe even do one the comedic acts I work on in the privacy of my home.
For years off trying to put a finger on it, I have finally accepted what I am. An introvert.
Extreme isn't it? A guy that was once a DJ/MC, a guy that has zero stage fright (no alcohol needed), a big confident persona, the "vida dela fiesta" and yet a comfortable loner. I could socialize but would easily get my fill and prefer to retreat to my own "mad world".
It is comforting to know that artist, comics, captains of industry and even leaders of nations have also exhibited such extreme behavior. Lincoln, Gandhi, Bill Gates, JK Rowling, Steve Martin, Harrison Ford, David Letterman, Gyneth Paltrow, Tom Hanks and even the mad man Einstein are just a few of the known "famous" introverts.
Check this:
http://introvertsdilemma.com/2012/04/lifestyles-of-the-introverted-famous/
As it turns out, its not a good or bad thing. They are what they are and I am just what I am.
Check this:
http://introvertsdilemma.com/2012/04/lifestyles-of-the-introverted-famous/
As it turns out, its not a good or bad thing. They are what they are and I am just what I am.
The beauty of where I am in life is things are becoming clearer with my age. Back in my youth, I could really not quite put a finger on what I was. It was no problem traveling solo, living away from home or even as akid spending time away from the crowd on lunch breaks.
Why did I tend to have no problem approaching strangers, make friends or be in the limelight and yet at the end of the day still have a yearning to my comfort zone, my man crib, my humble fortress of solitude?
Why did I tend to have no problem approaching strangers, make friends or be in the limelight and yet at the end of the day still have a yearning to my comfort zone, my man crib, my humble fortress of solitude?
In a a eureka moment that took a good part of my life I made that realization and accepted it.
I am an introvert with a lot of friends. That is it. Still, an introvert.
As such, I can accomplish , more on my own, being left to my devices. In my past management duties I would just keep things professional and maintain a very healthy uncomfortable distance with people I work with, never divulging too much about non-work related matters.
It makes so much sense why I get lost in the books I read, consumed by the music I listen to and the world I live in.
Strange, I minored in Psychology but never thought of myself belonging to such a personality type. It never dawned to me why I was living a "Lone Wolf" lifestyle ala Chuck Norris in the movies.
My social circles revolve people I have known to be tried and true in my life. College fraternity bros, old friends from childhood, from high school or those "I chewed a lotta dirt"with in my younger days.
The thing is, my true and closest friends really cherish my company and go out of the way just to be with me. I appreciate that so much and make known to them as much as I can.
I have also been known to simply discard those that have betrayed the friendship I gave. This is a trait I discovered that is common for introverts and it has happened to me many times. Friends I valued greatly but would never be there for me because they were actually never WITH me. (Did I make sense on that one? I am sure I did.). Discarded from my life, deleted like the contents of my PC's trash folder.
So now I write of this episode of loneliness the other in my crib. As such negative thoughts of fear, imagined or unrealistic troubles, bloated insecurities and paranoid bordering on the delusional scenarios went around my head, I learned from what I read in the blog I cited above how to deal with my situation.
In a nutshell:
1. I accepted my situation. I am a bachelor in my mid forties. Alone, surviving with little, having all I need but not all that I want.
2. I gave it some deep thought. What would alleviate this loneliness?
Like what was stated in the writings of Tyler in his blog, I asked these types and answered them myself in an objective, calm and unemotional manner. To my amazement, the bottom line was this: It was just an episode. I had no problem. This was me thinking out loud, answering myself the questions that I felt were relevant at that time. Some of the questions I asked and answered were like:
a. If I found someone right now to live with me, would it take away my loneliness?
b. If I freaked out, drank myself to oblivion, would it make me feel better?
c. If I had a child just for kicks to combat my loneliness would I be a good father and feel good about it?
d. If I slave the grind again in an office, would I be effective or would I just be a victim of the same circumstance in a different place, surrounded by strangers?
I was surprised. The answers I gave myself cheered me up exponentially. This led me to my next action.
3. I gave thanks. Again, I thanked God like I do as often as I can for the situation I am in. All I have had are blessings. Too much in fact. To name a few:
a. the roof over my head.
b. the a steady means of income that allows me so much time to do whatever I want. (Like dabbling in writing this blog.). Opportunities keep coming my way as well.
c. I have never gone hungry.
d. my ton of friends, real friends that are not just there for me but actually WITH me.
e. somehow, I still have family somewhere out there.
Maybe, God willing I can have a friend or partner in life to grow old with.
Maybe one day someone rings my bell and I do what McArtney once sang, I "let ém in"....
Maybe I will someday be blessed with a family of my own.
Maybe a day will come I won't have to feel this way ever again.
Maybe, I can just be. Maybe this is as good as it gets.
Maybe.
Maybe.
That last night was an epiphany. In my mid forties, I got a to know myself more. God made realize something. It was by His design. I was human.
Life goes on. It's cool to be aloof, alone.
I am an introvert. I am just what I am. Like Gaga sings, I was born this way.
Heaven knows what lies next. Everyday, I keep writing the book....
It's all good.
"there are worse things
than being alone
but it often takes
decades to realize this
and most often when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than too late" - Charles Bukowski
but it often takes
decades to realize this
and most often when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than too late" - Charles Bukowski
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