Two weeks into the year and as I am hung over from the commercialism, the pageantry and the bouts with loneliness, I continue to reflect on what I hope to accomplish in this new year. My resolutions, thoughts, aspirations or plain stupid things I just wanna do.
Amid the hustle and bustle, I managed to squeeze some quiet time to think. reflect and ponder on so many things. I also made some resolutions. To name some are:
I will quit smoking after almost two years of being a chimney. So far, so good.
I will repair my home, keep it as neat as possible. Repairs done. Neatness is a work in progress.
Continue to live a simple quiet life. Ce's simple'......
Continue to try to make someone happy in my own small way. A joke, a cup of coffee a smile.....
Read more. I gotta a pile of books gathering dust.
Write more poetry. Thither and yonder.,...
Continue to save and invest for my retirement. Scroogin' for the future. Build wealth. Save. Spend on essentials.
Give love a chance, without pay.
Let go of something like a group, or crew to achieve something else or to simply move on to other things. Yup. I gotta move on.
Update my Bucket, Thanksgiving and Happy Moments Lists. These lists get so much longer as I age.
Continue to Love true friends and caring family. Ditch the posers. Love thos that are real. End of discussion.
My life as a middle aging bachelor continues. Farther from the beginning, moving ever closer to the end, as Morrison sang "my only friend, the end".
This year had its moments. It also had its low sides.
Looking back, I have given up on trying to make out the rhyme and reason for what I had to endure. I continue to do so but have also I accepted my fate. I accept that it is all part of a grander scheme of things. There are good things and not so good or rather "challenging" things thrown at you in life.
I can only hope that everything will be alright, in the end. Nah, I know so. Our Lord is with us always.
Everything's gonna be alright.
Happy New Year to all. Peace, Love and Good Vibrations!
"Anything can happen. Anything happens all the time." - Penny in "This is where I leave you" This Is Where I Leave You Funny. So simple yet so true. Anything CAN happen. Opportunities, failures, SHIT. Anything happens all the time. I guess it is what we call life. There is no negotiation. Ce'st la vie. I saw this movie by my lonesome, as usual, Though, lengthy it touched on many points and issues people my age are still going through. Poignant. Real. TIWILY Quotes The quote that this entry gets its title is from a character in the movie. She said those lines when the main character, her love from her youth was saying goodbye. Rather than being still bitter, she uttered those lines because she did believe that anything can STILL happen. What a positive way to look at the situation. The past, regrets, memories both good and bad and life in the now. These are themes that I always encounter especially as I age. Though we all have regrets, I have learned to mitigate them by seizing the opportunity with often extreme alacrity and disregard. If I like a girl, I ask her out. If an opportunity for business presents itself, I explore and so on. Such is life. Cosmic forces are in place. I still believe that we are mere chess pieces in a board that is the universe. Someone out there is doing the moving. As in my past writings, I have learned that their is a God. For only He could have put me in this place at that time for this and that. . There is no way to analyze life in general. There are the good things and the bad. In my youth I would take the bad things as punishment for my sins or misdeeds. Some kind of karma. Then again, I aged and I saw the other side more. The pluses still outweigh the negatives. Is it destiny? I believe so. I do also think that a certain proactive approach should be undertaken. I mean, not much will happen if I sulk and allow myself to decay by myself at home in solitude/ If it is meant to be, I also have to MAKE it happen. I recently managed a personal crisis. I think its mostly over. I hope so. I am have begun to heal. The incident involved a lot of betrayals, harsh words and lies. That was one barbecue in the park I should not have gone to and tasted. Yet, I am sort of understanding why despite the hurt I endured and still am healing from, I also got my eyes opened again. In this stage of my life, some friends I thought were true were merely masquerading/ A painful reality unfolded. For a while I felt so alone. In the dark. That is when real friends in my life surfaced, shining through the dark again. I have many acquaintances, connections and pals. However, only a few make it to my bonafide, certified "FRIEND" list. It's kinda like that mental exercise when you envision who you have to be with on boat that sails the world. Only a few make it to be my crew.
There is no choice. One life. Face life, with HOPE. Fear is OK but should get the better of you. Gotta hope for the best because anything CAN happen.......
A couple of years ago I went on an Indochina Invasion. On separate occasions I was in Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. In my trips I was a skinhead. I would usually be my paranoid self in my trips especially whenever I over hear locals say "Buddha, Buddha" as I pass them. Now I do not understand a word they say but intuition tells me that they were talking about me. Being a foreigner and looking like it. Though I am Southeast Asian, I am bigger than most. I wear 12's on my feet, enough said right? That Buddha thing kinda stuck to my head. I thought "Man, I gotta lose weight, some punks might provoke me with that Buddha thing again when I go to Buddhist places".. Fast forward a few years, I had this opportunity to be nominated as a local partner for a Taiwanese company. The preliminaries were promising. The principals had one condition though. I had to meet with them for dinner so that their Feng Shui master could check me out. I was like "Is this some kinda joke?". My lawyer friend doing the deal told me they were serious about it. So I go to this crowded, multi-course meal, round table place which translates to fine dining with metal chopsticks that really means this place is expensive Chinese food. I get there in business attire. Nothing GQ-usque fancy - loafers, a shirt, chinos and my ever reliable knock off Paul Smith cuff links for accent. At the table, the principals welcomed me. My lawyer friend was there and beside him was the Feng Shui master. Jet Li himself in his younger years, with the matching outfit and zero English and just a bit of everything but smiling in silence. This guy was not a local practitioner. They FLEW him in from Taiwan for this. Dang. They were serious. In the course of dinner, the principals advised me that the Feng Shui master a.k.a. Jet Li was to examine me. I acquiesced and wondered what I had to do. I was thinking they were going to ask me to do something like twirl a chopstick, eat a monkey or maybe pick a card, any card. Jet Li, stares at me. Utters some inaudible babble in Chinese to the prinicipals. No more than three (3) sentences. I hear my name more than once though. My Taiwanese counterpart then turns to me as I was eating some pork and noodles using fine chopstick cutlery, barely managing and says in a smiling face: "Feng Shui Master already examine you. Feng Shui Master say you have big nose, ears like elephant and big stomach. Same like Buddha. Good for business. We sign contract.". My lawyer friend was nudging me with his foot. He saw my jaw drop. I was still mouth agape at what I just heard. I was waiting for them to break out in laughter. My grip on the fine metal chopsticks was in transition, from fine dining to tactical. A few seconds passed, no laughter. Only genuine pleasant smiles. My friend still was nudging my foot for me to be cool. I was still on the chopsticks. Scenes from "The Matrix" flashed before my eyes. It dawned on me. "These guys are Buddhists. They should not be taking their God's name in vain. Right?" They meant well. My grip on the cutlery was not as tight. It all made sense. Dang, to them or the Buddhist world in general I LOOK rich and it's good for business. I got that Chi and not just Chi as in Chinese food in me. I got that "I look rich and prosperous" vibe thing going. I shook hands, signed the papers and bid Feng Shui Master Sayonara. My guys then further confirmed what I thought. Even with the bulge, the Dumbo ears and Orangutan Nasals, I look rich, to them and "lucky" for the business. Looking back at my life and wondering, I got a lot of friends, I got a lot of haters. Yins and Yangers. One thing I did recall was that I have always ended up in some position that does not take much experience, qualifications or a fancy education. It was more of a trust and confidence thing for the most part. In fact, my income is based on such as of this writing. Maybe it is true. I bring luck, somehow. It rubs off on people I hang with. In my major engagements and friendships, my friends would just want me around. One job I did was just be with a friend, sign stuff, help entertain his guests and hang out. Many times I was kidnapped to tag along trips at a moment's notice, even overseas at times. Another friend once said that somehow, when he hangs with me, he scores with the girls. Good for him. I am so flattered while he is swooned and I am at the bar, solo. I wonder if it is really true about resembling the Buddha. I sure hope it is. Hey, I don't mind...... I say, "if you can't play, display". At least I look rich, prosperous and "lucky" to some people. Better than trying to look chic and just looking homeless. Everyday I wake up. I thank Him. I am blessed. With or without the Orangutan nose, Elephantine ears and the big stomach. I am so lucky.
In my youth I read somewhere that "Life is difficult". No shit? You don't say? Sometime in my 20's my late daddy once told me "You will never have what your rich friends may have. But compared to many, you have much more." Back then I thought he was just trying to make me feel good about myself because he was not able to provide for us as much as we needed or wanted compared to his siblings. In short, I thought it was just an excuse. Bullshit. As the years passed, what he said stuck. As the years passed, I saw the reality. What my dad said was truth. Now at 45, I can't seem to bring myself to ask for more. Despite all the bad things that come my way I managed to endure so far. Betrayals. Mistakes. Rejection. Failure. Screw ups. Countless times. I have failed so many times. There is no excuse for my "lackluster" performance compared to most of my relatives and friends. Despite my failure. I am still fortunate that I have:
a roof over my head
food on my table
decent advanced education
decent and stress free jobs
alternative means of income
countless opportunities
freedom, being single
a great bunch of tried and true friends
You can look up global statistics and see that I am counted as rich. Statistically, at least. A Rolls Royce is grand to many but a dinner buffet is grander to a poor and hungry person. My daddy was right. I got all I need, not all that I want. No flashy cars, hot big tit women, mansions or clothes. Life is simple for me. I wake up. Give thanks. Do something, anything just to be productive be it work stuff or getting laundry done or writing blogs such as this on a hot and soon to be rainy Sunday). I hang out with friends usually over coffee and laughs. Simple. Where does the road of life lead? In 45 years I can compare my life to a road - bumpy, full of detours, smooth, curvy, with sharp turns, slippery, tight, wide, steep, full of road raging psychos or stupid drivers, free and clear, open, endless. And it is difficult, even with maps or GPS you can still get lost. Maybe you just get lost being a fool.
Often in my quiet times, I ask myself, what is this all for? After each wake up, the end of the road nears. I only pray that I learn why I was on this road before I get to the end so I can do what I was put on the road for, Yes, Life is damn difficult. Hell yeah. No damn choice but to "follow your road"......
In my life I have learned that there are no coincidences. Statisticians may refute this but I still think that everything happens for a "reason and rhyme".
A couple of weeks ago, I almost got stabbed on my way to an important meeting . It was a road rage thing and some sack of shit tough guy trike driver got pissed, chased me and while in traffic attempted to open my vehicle door to stick me with an ice pick. He ended up slashing my windows and my tire. Traffic cops accosted him. I sped off to my meeting.
If this happened ten years ago I would have gotten down with my weapons and engaged this street scum. The thing is, I did not. I was calm, showed him that I was not afraid at all. I even told him that I just have a meeting and will deal with him after. Calmly.
I could have died. For what?
This led me to writing this piece. It made me think of other events in my life and confirmed what I earlier stated. Like the lines of the song "Corner of the Sky"- "...Everything has its season, everything has its time"......
Many times I was in a place I should not have been in, many time I should not have said this and that. Many times.
Strange. Such is life. Lightning does strike people. Some board a perfectly flying plane and it disappears without a trace or crashes. Some bet on one lotto ticket and bags gazzilions. Even marriage is a "stroke of luck". The global statistic to date is that half of married couples split in a few years. Half. That is why it is called "the plunge".
Life is strange. Again, everything happens for a reason. Everything. As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow.
To note this "strangeness" some life changing occurrences come to my mind:
A failed marriage produced wonderfulchildren that brought so much joy to the parents.
Childless couples adopt and have more than they wished for.
Meeting life long friends in varying stages of your youth.
Joining a tribe, a club or an organization changes the course of your life.
A bar brawl can seal the deal on a lasting friendship.
There has to be a God. Only God can create this cosmic game of chess. We are mere pawns and the universe as we know it is the chessboard. We are the pieces.
If good things come, so will the not so good and even the downright horrible.
a friend of mine had failed marriage. He was such a bad husband but such a great father to his children. Even his ex-wife respects that.
Some do everything right as parents and still end up with kids from hell.
Meeting life long friends in varying stages of your youth can also turn to enemies for life.
Joining a tribe, a club or an organization changes the course of your life, a bane or boon.
“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” - Confucius
As I aged, I tried to make sense of it all. This is one equation I
can't compute. Not that I am good at computing stuff. All I know that
in retrospect some things, good or bad seem to be pre-ordained. There
were lessons, reasons and rhyme to all the madness.
If
did not live there, or went to school here, crash a party there, joined
this organization at that time or even having to take a crap bad while
having coffee with a friend that led to a post graduate degree.
Shit does happen. It is necessary. Part of the game. A bullet has a name.on it the day the round rolls put of the armory. Tycoons like Trump lose it all, move from the back to the front of the limousine. Most bounce back. Some don't. Some people just died trying. Some never tried at all.
Keep on moving.......push on through....
Robin Williams had it all. Yet at his untimely death, his human side took over and gave in. Sad. He was an idol. As he said, I also think that in dealing with life, we all have that spark of madness we should not lose.
In retrospect, some life events had to happen, good or bad and it all falls into place.
Somehow.
Peck once said "Life is difficult". Can't agree more. Life is a continuing battle. Cest' la vie.
At 45 years of age I still have questions. I still endure. Being alone does not mean being rid of problems. Being alone is really tough when hit with setbacks or unfortunate events. Man, it really sucks I tell you.
I am grateful though. Each day is a gift. A new lease on life, to move on, to do what you can. Each wake up is a gift from God.
There is no recourse but to go on. Like Kipling wrote "If you can watch the things you gave your life to, broken and stoop and build them up with worn out tools".... In this world, most things are beyond us, whatever strategic planning or hedging just won't cut it.
Life is to be lived per deum. The cosmic game of chess continues. Cest' la vie. Life's been good to me so far but I still gotta find my... "corner of the sky"...
Oh about that piece of scum that wanted a piece of me? I am sure he won't be so full of rage anymore.....
I first encountered this poem in my freshman year of college - November 29,1987.
Simple. Practical. Easy to memorize, there 13 "IF's" in the poem.
Since then 27 years to date, I memorized and took these words to heart especially during times of adversity. This piece of literature seems to apply to all facets of one's life. I learned this in time. "Do you
know that 'if' is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head
when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can
trust yourself when all men doubt you"... From the movie "Apocalypse Now"
That quote from Apocalypse Now made more sense to me. I kinda agree the word "IF" in the middle of the word "LIFE" has a profound meaning. I lived it.
How I understand the poem is as follows:
Be calm, no matter what SNAFU you are in.
Believe in yourself.
Be patient. Stay focused, do not be distracted by mundane stuff like gossip or envy.
Maintain humility.
Have ambition. Set goals and work for them. Keep cool in good times and bad.
Treachery is abound. Keep your word. Stick to your code. Have honor.
Take risk. Win or lose. Move on.
Keep striving towards your goal no matter what. Be determined, be ready to pay the price.
Be flexible. Learn to deal with different people.
Take criticism constructively even from those who love. Know what your limits are. What you can and cannot do.
Make use of your time well to achieve your goals or mission or dealing with any issues.
The pinnacle point of the poem is that if you can do all of these in life, then you will ultimately be a man. A real man capable of weathering any storm that life throws your way.
In 1987 I initially thought of it as a good piece of literature. Something handy in conversation with girls, trying to sound intelligent by being full of youthful foolishness (a.k.a. bullshit).
What is amazing about Kipling's work is that it actually grows on you. In my life of 45 years I actually look back back at this poem and some specific lines come up to mind as I deal with a myriad of challenges. Yes, I was lied about. Oftentimes I was hated. Many a time betrayed. When arrogance overtook me i was forced to humble myself. There were things I merely dreamed of that I actually attained. I got a post graduate degree despite my dismal college performance. I took baby steps at improving myself. From managing my temper, losing weight, quitting alcohol and smoking. No biggie for many but for an animal like me it was such a herculean feat. Even I amazed myself at times.
This would be the line I would tattoo on my back shoulder to shoulder
Heartbreak. Failure. Loss of loved ones. Losing friends to treachery or plain betrayal. Tears. Humble in my victories, glorious in defeat. These are other experiences that a few lines written in 1895 taught me to overcome.
All of this I experienced and still experience. As air goes through my lungs and blood flows through my veins, I will still have to look back at this piece of prose.
Whenever confronted with a situation somehow I look back at Kipling's verses.
In a recent crisis, I again took to Kipling. I am enduring. I made major life decisions. I acted like a real man. At this time what struck me was "stoop and build them up with worn out tools".
While still in embroiled in this crisis, my life goes on. I gotta push on through.
The ever changing world is out there. Gotta saddle up to man up and make those hard and fast decisions.
There are so many things bad about me and I am man enough to admit ALL of it. I just hope that whatever you throw at me is true. C'mon give some space here. A saint I am not and I already admit it!
I also admit that my intellect is a bit on the low side. Never was I called Einstein. Most of the time I was called "the screw up", "innumerate" even "late bloomer". That last one meant I was "slow" as in Forrest Gump slow.
So now I run by you with one of the things I am known for. Nope I am not a criminal. I was never caught.
I am good friend.
Friendship is a social contract between people. Like the comic in this video said in modern parlance:
There are my types of friends. To name a few: Work friends, childhood friends, casual friends, friends with benefits, moocher friends a.k.a. friends of convenience, toxic friends, the dreaded fake friends and those that I value - TRUE FRIENDS.
I don't have much in life. My parents have gone to the great beyond and the surviving immediate family is far and away. My relatives have their own lives.
Because of my situation in life I gravitated towards an elite group. A crack team of individuals that I enjoy being with in laughter, with music, on the rocks and even in spirit. My friends. My crew. My own Mafia.
It may seem strange why I write about such a subject. To some this is such a trivial topic to discuss and discern but read on. You will get it. The great man Ralph Waldo Emerson once said "The only way to have a friend is to be one." . In my own face and to you that know me know that despite all the bad stuff I earlier declared about myself, I am a true friend to them. I treasure that part of me.
Sadly through the years, there has been an ongoing culling of people that I used to be friends with. Some people add to my many nuances "grudge bearing". I admit to that one too. Why? I am a guy that is absolute when it comes to friendship. It's black or white, friend or foe, up-down kinda thing. My definition and treatment of friendship is air tight. Non-negotiable.
Those that know me would know attest that I am the type of guy that would take a bullet for them figuratively and most definitely literally twice on Sundays. Yet I do not expect much in return. What I do not expect is to be treated badly or abuse this friendship I offer.
A good friend once admitted to me that he would never be able to go through or give as much as I do for the sake of our friendship. I said to him reassuringly that I never expected that in return anyway.
Sadly, the diamond that the former friends I had was lost forever When they, took me for a ride, lied to me, sold me at the stake, betrayed me or simply took advantage of what I gave them. And that hurts even for a man like me.
Some deserted me, sold me out on a silver platter. Some gave in to rabid investigations by ....not the cops, their wives to use me as an escape. Some took sides. Some made me a wind up monkey knowing that it would be cool on the count of my loyalty. Some just never appreciated what they had. A guy that would be there for them.
They had a diamond in their hands and they dropped it in a sandy beach.
It hurt me so many times.
Yes, I have said goodbye to many and most must regret it. I do not hate them. They are just gone for me. I still cherish the memories i had with them when I can but in the end that's all that is left. Just old memories, nothing new. If there are the posers, there are the bonafide certifieds as well. The genuine tried and true. These are the ones that I would kill for in a heartbeat. They know that. It's different to take a bullet for someone but consciously killing someone else is no laughing matter to declare. I just turned 45. A dinosaur. The list of true friends that stick with me is shorter. Ce'st la vie. Such a perfect time for this to be posted. I am embroiled in a crisis that showed me who my tried an friends are. Lynched. I was lynched and still is being lynched, hung out to dry, crucified. The next step is the gasoline thing. At the stake. My spirit has been broken. My very soul though intact is damaged severely. I know that I will ride this through and I am happy. Happy? Yes. Happy that I again found out some more of my friends that are tried and true. i am actually glad that my "friend list" is getting shorter. At 45, time in this world for me is not too long. At least, in my limited time here on Earth I was able to discern......the true friends. Those that really matter. After all of this I just hope that the friends I have stay true forever. i cannot bear anymore heartache and shun any drama from my life. I'm cool with that.
To my friends I thank you for the support, acceptance and reciprocity. Thanks for appreciating the little that I offer and what you have been to me all these years -TRUE. As blood veins through my veins I pledge to be the same. to honor you and be true. Though hell, high water and back, twice on Sundays.
You got a friend in me.
"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."-Henry Ford
