My Dad Goes Home 2010

My dad passed away April 23, 2010.

A usual, the wake was at BNS.  I was mourning and yet I also had that hurt of coming home with a dead officer in a casket from Palawan.

The arrival honors started.  I dressed up to receive my father at the church.  For a while it felt like my dad was alive and in active service.

The thing is.  I never felt any animosity whatsoever with the trauma associated with the eviction.  In fact, the place seemed so familiar but it just did not feel like home to me anymore.  just was like any other place for a funeral. Strange.  i did not even bother to visit our old house.

I knew it.  Finally I was over it already.  My dad passed away.  I had to move on.  I did.  Navy Village is just a memory.  A great set of memories.

The wake went on for a couple of says.  I entertained the guest.  fed the soldiers.  Did the ceremonies.  

A few months passed and we even had a small reunion at the O. Club.  The pansit still tasted swell.

The occupant of our house is now FOIC Admiral Abogado.  I met them at the AFP Brats reunion last year.  One sweet thing that Mrs. Abogado did was that she invited me to visit the house anytime.  I told her how much mostly good memories we had their as a family and my loneseme.  Her invitation was sincere. That was enough.  I never went back.  What a sweet lady.  She was an Army brat from McArthur.  


Like Frost said when asked about life, he answered Ït goes on".


We have move on.  Memories cherished.  But nonetheless we moved on.


Navy, FIGHT!

Still standing at 44!

I just turned 44.  Ancient.  I remember when I was a kid I meet someone my age now I thought of them as "jurassic" as in dinosaur.

Time does not fly.  I learned that as I age, it actually zooms!  There was an article I read in GQ about David Bowie saying something like time not going faster but rather we have a different perception of it as we age because we have less of it left. A year is 10 % of a ten year old's life while it is merely 2% of a 50 year old's life.  This perspective that I acquiesce to was further cemented when I heard a line in a movie about "having more past than future" in a man's life.

I think I do have more past at my age.

Around this time of year I normally get depressed.  I guess it is because I am alone in this world.  No more close family near me for one reason or another.  Friends that am really close to have been lost to their families, broken through the years  or were lost because they were never real friends anyway.  

Apart from updating my will and other instructions to my administrator (I take time to accomplish this because death is something I anticipate, anytime. Gory but it is as certain as tomorrows's sunrise.)  My usual birthday itinerary would be that I have an intimate lunch or dinner with close friends.  I also go to church to pray and thank God for another year of blessings.  I also usually ask a priest for a blessing.  It would be a regular thing to shed a few tears in the privacy of the church.

This year was quiet.

I took a trip to Leyte for a fiesta hosted by fraternity bros a couple of days before my birthday.  While we enjoyed the experience immensely, I also took time to re asses my present position i life.  Where I am and the direction I am taking.  All of this was done in confidence.  No one knew my birthday was approaching in my entourage.  I took advantage of some quiet time to go to a church with a miraculous Sto. Nino and prayed for my family and friends close to my heart, for guidance and thanks for all my blessings. 

I also do not announce my birthday on FB.  Only a few genuinely remember or get a wind of it.  Though I get fewer greetings from friends by doing this, I appreciate the greetings that I get because i know those people actually took time to remember or mark my day down in their calendars.

Strangely this year was quiet and i was not depressed.  I just enjoyed my day, thanking the Lord for all i have.  I have accepted my situation where I have all I need.  A simple quiet life.

It does not take much to make me happy.  No parades or megaphones needed to make my birthday happy.

A text from my niece, a call fro a nephew, a flurry of PM's from old and long dormant friends and greets from classmates in or FB page also made my day.  Some greets were a day early, some a day late but nevertheless they remembered me.  How flattering! One classmate even posted "

Happy Birthday to the CRAZY GLUE that keeps Batch '87 united! Happy Birthday Ting!! :) Health and Happiness always! :) ANIMO!!"

How sweet.  I felt so appreciated.  though few, the greets were sincere.  It made me look back to last year when my bud threw a surprise party in my honor,  Nobody ever did that for me.  There were about 70 friends partying with us on a Monday.  I also recall other birthdays...as a kid, high school and yes the college years...

No tears this year, just thanks.  I appreciate another day, another year of life.  Not too many get this far and yet here i stand, 44 years.

With the birthday wishes I realized again that I am solo but never alone, that despite those that do not like me, there are a few that does so intensely, negating those that find me repulsive.  

In my recent trip, it also felt so good to know that even at this age I am still capable of romance, "like a kid with a teenage crush on a school day".

No more bitterness, only acceptance and just gratitude.  Hope remains.  Still standing at 44, just beginning my life.....

I am an Introvert!

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.   - Welles, Orson - See more at: http://quotationsbook.com/quote/21537/?fb_action_ids=10151959933150466&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210151959933150466%22%3A10150301862244501%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210151959933150466%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D#sthash.2cldhjkV.dpuf

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.   - Welles, Orson - See more at: http://quotationsbook.com/quote/21537/?fb_action_ids=10151959933150466&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210151959933150466%22%3A10150301862244501%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210151959933150466%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D#sthash.2cldhjkV.dpuf

Orson Welles once said: "We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."

The other night I had an episode of loneliness.

As far as I can recall, this massive kind of attack first happened, more than a decade ago.  It was like an attack of anxiety where I just feel so, well alone.  In my late twenties was the most memorable "attack" that I recall. That time long ago I almost was driven to tears.

That other night, when I felt like it was just me in this world. Thoughts of no one else out there cares about me or loneliness engulfed my very soul.  I could not sleep.   I knew though that it would pass.  Apparently, I knew this after enduring such bouts year after year since.

So many thoughts were racing through my mind.  it was like my very soul was under (machine gun) fire.  It was at this time I vividly recall getting lost with an old college heart throb friend of mine earlier in the year.  This babe of a friend and  got lost in conversation and ended up being really lost for an hour (for a trip that was supposed to take about fifteen minutes).  We ere talking about loneliness, she being unmarried and living overseas. I remember this gorgeous woman saying something like "I am already used to being alone".  I then sorta corrected her.  I told her her "You never get used to being alone, you just learn to deal with it every time."

 This was my time to deal with it.

That night of my episode, I Googled stuff like "Being Alone", "Dealing with Loneliness". "Meant to be Alone" and the like.  

 

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.   - Welles, Orson - See more at: http://quotationsbook.com/quote/21537/?fb_action_ids=10151959933150466&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%7B%2210151959933150466%22%3A10150301862244501%7D&action_type_map=%7B%2210151959933150466%22%3A%22og.likes%22%7D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D#sthash.Y1gRu40l.dpuf

After reading through a myriad of postings and a couple of hours later I came across this:

13 Rules for Being Alone and Being Happy About It http://advancedriskology.com/alone/#comments

This one struck a chord.  That is putting it mildly.  This one nailed it.   This is very much what I am.  An introvert.  As such, being alone, I also crave for interaction and without it I sink to depression.  Too much of interaction on the other hand makes me want to retreat back to my man cave, my Private Idaho, my solace.   

Though I sometimes feel lonely, I also cannot be with people all the time.  I actually function and exist better - alone.

Don't get me wrong.  Though I have a quasi-hermit lifestyle, I don't really hole up by myself all the time.  On the contrary, I have never been known to be a shy type.  Instead, I display a bit of swagger and would be the one to take one for the team to go up in front of an audience of 10 or 10,000 for a song, a speech or maybe even do one the comedic acts I work on in the privacy of my home.

For years off trying to put a finger on it, I have finally accepted what I am.  An introvert. 

Extreme isn't it?  A guy that was once a DJ/MC, a guy that has zero stage fright (no alcohol needed), a big confident persona, the "vida dela fiesta" and yet a comfortable loner.  I could socialize but would easily get my fill and prefer to retreat to my own "mad world".

It is comforting to know that artist, comics, captains of industry and even leaders of nations have also exhibited such extreme behavior.  Lincoln, Gandhi, Bill Gates, JK Rowling, Steve Martin, Harrison Ford, David Letterman, Gyneth Paltrow, Tom Hanks and even the mad man Einstein are just a few of the known "famous" introverts.  

Check this:
http://introvertsdilemma.com/2012/04/lifestyles-of-the-introverted-famous/

As it turns out, its not a good or bad thing.  They are what they are and I am just what I am.

The beauty of where I am in life is things are becoming clearer with my age.  Back in my youth, I could really not quite put a finger on what I was.  It was no problem traveling solo, living away from home or even as akid spending time away from the crowd on lunch breaks.  

Why did I tend to have no problem approaching strangers, make friends or be in the limelight and yet at the end of the day still have a yearning to my comfort zone, my man crib, my humble fortress of solitude?

In a a eureka moment that took a good part of my life I made that realization and accepted it.  

I am an introvert with a lot of friends. That is it. Still, an introvert.

As such,  I can accomplish , more on my own, being left to my devices.  In my past management duties I would just keep things professional and maintain a very healthy uncomfortable distance with people I work with, never divulging too much about non-work related matters.

It makes so much sense why I get lost in the books I read, consumed by the music I listen to and the world I live in.

Strange, I minored in Psychology but never thought of myself belonging to such a personality type.  It never dawned to me why I was living a "Lone Wolf" lifestyle ala Chuck Norris in the movies.

My social circles revolve people I have known to be tried and true in my life.  College fraternity bros, old friends from childhood, from high school or those "I chewed a lotta dirt"with in my younger days.  

The thing is, my true and closest friends really cherish my company and go out of the way just to be with me.  I appreciate that so much and make known to them as much as I can. 

I have also been known to simply discard those that have betrayed the friendship I gave.   This is a trait I discovered that is common for introverts and it has happened to me many times.  Friends I valued greatly but would never be there for me because they were actually never WITH me.   (Did I make sense on that one?  I am sure I did.).  Discarded from my life, deleted like the contents of my PC's trash folder. 

So now I write of this episode of loneliness the other in my crib. As such negative thoughts of fear, imagined or unrealistic troubles, bloated insecurities and paranoid bordering on the delusional scenarios went around my head, I learned from what I read in the blog I cited above how to deal with my situation.

In a nutshell:

1. I accepted my situation.  I am a bachelor in my mid forties.  Alone, surviving with little, having all I need but not all that I want.

2. I gave it some deep thought.  What would alleviate this loneliness? 

Like what was stated in the writings of Tyler in his blog, I asked these types and answered them myself in an objective, calm and unemotional manner.   To my amazement, the bottom line was this: It was just an episode.  I had no problem.  This was me thinking out loud, answering myself the questions that I felt were relevant at that time.  Some of the questions I asked and answered were like:

a. If I found someone right now to live with me, would it take away my loneliness?

b. If I freaked out, drank myself to oblivion, would it make me feel better?

c. If I had a child just for kicks to combat my loneliness would I be a good father and feel good about it?

d. If I slave the grind again in an office, would I be effective or would I just be a victim of the same circumstance in a different place, surrounded by strangers?

I was surprised.  The answers I gave myself cheered me up exponentially.  This led me to my next action.

3.  I gave thanks. Again, I thanked God like I do as often as I can for the situation I am in.  All I have had are blessings.  Too much in fact.   To name a few:

a. the roof over my head.

b. the a steady means of income that allows me so much time to do whatever I want. (Like dabbling in writing this blog.).  Opportunities keep coming my way as well.

c.  I have never gone hungry.

d. my ton of friends, real friends that are not just there for me but actually WITH me.

e.  somehow, I still have family somewhere out there.

Maybe, God willing I can have a friend or partner in life to grow old with.  

Maybe one day someone rings my bell and I do what McArtney once sang, I "let ém in"....

Maybe I will someday be blessed with a family of my own.

Maybe a day will come I won't have to feel this way ever again.

Maybe, I can just be.  Maybe this is as good as it gets.

Maybe. 

I woke the next day with renewed hope.  I was better.  It was just a bout of loneliness, something a cup of coffee with an old friend, a few laughs, a chat on FB won't fix.   

That last night was an epiphany.  In my mid forties, I got a to know myself more.  God made realize something.  It was by His design.  I was human.

Life goes on.  It's cool to be aloof, alone. 

I am an introvert. I am just what I am. Like Gaga sings, I was born this way.

Heaven knows what lies next.  Everyday, I keep writing the book....

It's all good.

"there are worse things

than being alone
but it often takes
decades to realize this
and most often when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than too late" - Charles Bukowski

Introvert Misconceptions