Still standing at 44!

I just turned 44.  Ancient.  I remember when I was a kid I meet someone my age now I thought of them as "jurassic" as in dinosaur.

Time does not fly.  I learned that as I age, it actually zooms!  There was an article I read in GQ about David Bowie saying something like time not going faster but rather we have a different perception of it as we age because we have less of it left. A year is 10 % of a ten year old's life while it is merely 2% of a 50 year old's life.  This perspective that I acquiesce to was further cemented when I heard a line in a movie about "having more past than future" in a man's life.

I think I do have more past at my age.

Around this time of year I normally get depressed.  I guess it is because I am alone in this world.  No more close family near me for one reason or another.  Friends that am really close to have been lost to their families, broken through the years  or were lost because they were never real friends anyway.  

Apart from updating my will and other instructions to my administrator (I take time to accomplish this because death is something I anticipate, anytime. Gory but it is as certain as tomorrows's sunrise.)  My usual birthday itinerary would be that I have an intimate lunch or dinner with close friends.  I also go to church to pray and thank God for another year of blessings.  I also usually ask a priest for a blessing.  It would be a regular thing to shed a few tears in the privacy of the church.

This year was quiet.

I took a trip to Leyte for a fiesta hosted by fraternity bros a couple of days before my birthday.  While we enjoyed the experience immensely, I also took time to re asses my present position i life.  Where I am and the direction I am taking.  All of this was done in confidence.  No one knew my birthday was approaching in my entourage.  I took advantage of some quiet time to go to a church with a miraculous Sto. Nino and prayed for my family and friends close to my heart, for guidance and thanks for all my blessings. 

I also do not announce my birthday on FB.  Only a few genuinely remember or get a wind of it.  Though I get fewer greetings from friends by doing this, I appreciate the greetings that I get because i know those people actually took time to remember or mark my day down in their calendars.

Strangely this year was quiet and i was not depressed.  I just enjoyed my day, thanking the Lord for all i have.  I have accepted my situation where I have all I need.  A simple quiet life.

It does not take much to make me happy.  No parades or megaphones needed to make my birthday happy.

A text from my niece, a call fro a nephew, a flurry of PM's from old and long dormant friends and greets from classmates in or FB page also made my day.  Some greets were a day early, some a day late but nevertheless they remembered me.  How flattering! One classmate even posted "

Happy Birthday to the CRAZY GLUE that keeps Batch '87 united! Happy Birthday Ting!! :) Health and Happiness always! :) ANIMO!!"

How sweet.  I felt so appreciated.  though few, the greets were sincere.  It made me look back to last year when my bud threw a surprise party in my honor,  Nobody ever did that for me.  There were about 70 friends partying with us on a Monday.  I also recall other birthdays...as a kid, high school and yes the college years...

No tears this year, just thanks.  I appreciate another day, another year of life.  Not too many get this far and yet here i stand, 44 years.

With the birthday wishes I realized again that I am solo but never alone, that despite those that do not like me, there are a few that does so intensely, negating those that find me repulsive.  

In my recent trip, it also felt so good to know that even at this age I am still capable of romance, "like a kid with a teenage crush on a school day".

No more bitterness, only acceptance and just gratitude.  Hope remains.  Still standing at 44, just beginning my life.....