My 43rd Birthday Experience 2012

I just had my 43^rd birthday.   Yup 43.  I am a dinosaur.

I started my life 3 years ago.  In recent years I made the jump from corporate to being a self employed investor.  I  also made other major life decisions like quitting alcohol and being “fully” independent.

I am alone.  For a reason or another I have no close kin with me.  Some died. Some just drifted away.  Some were never really close.  Actuallly, I am really a modern hermit type.  A recluse.   Solitude is a great thing for me. 

In my 40's, I am at a time in my life when I have:

• Accepted my situation, that this is me and my cards dealt. I accept myself for what I am the good and the bad.  I am also happy I am the only person I know that is like me. Plainly, I am unique.

• I won’t marry anymore.  I am not the type. I missed the bus.  Why shit, I even missed the train AND the plane.

• I wanted to have kids but then again, a kid has to have a mother AND a father and I really don’t think I have the qualifications, resources or even the patience to be a parent.

• What I earn should be for my future.  The game will change if I marry or sire a child. That is also another reason I quit the drink.  All these years I was a coward, afraid and hiding behind a bottle.

Every year as my birthday approaches I get those “blues”.   I am happy I made it another year but I am also sad.  I miss my family, my niece and cousin all grown up, my mom gone for so long.  I also miss my friends, all settled and long gone to their wives and their own “lives”.   

This year, the blues crept up again.  I spent a whole night with college bros and sisters in UPLB just observing them and their “issues”.  These ”issues” I was hearing were to me like “how my crayons broke and if I should tell my parents what really happened”.  

On the night of my birthday I came across more bros in college and bought the kids a drink. Nobody knew it as my birthday.  I ended up in a 24H spa where I got a facial and a couple of massages.  I went home by 10 am.

Each birthday, I update my will and review my bucket list.  I also hear mass to thank God for his blessings.  

My FB status that day read: “Martin Velasco gives thanks for this day. I am still grateful for all the blessings I got. Why I don't even ask for anything anymore except for His forgiveness.” Now I really meant that, I am OK compared to most.  Even by global standards, I am OK. I have a good education, a roof over my head and food to eat.  Blessings from God have been abundant.  

In recent years, I learned just to give thanks and not ask for anything “unnecessary”.  I am OK with what I have.

On a whim, I sent a message to select friends for a little Paella dinner at this owned by a frat bro at this resto across the church I was going her mass at.

The usual slew of greets came in like wildfire - the texts, emails, FB.  My phone almost crashed.  Deep inside, I knew there were people out there that really cared for me.  It felt good.  I crashed at home on my bed.  Being self employed, I had that luxury of being at my bed on my birthday and any day I wanted.  Besides, it was cold from the night’s rain.

Dinner was on. I bought some drinks since corkage was waived and I made the 5:30 pm mass.  I prayed. Gave thanks and immediately went to the priest to ask for a birthday blessing.  I usually give the priest some info like me being alone, never married.  The priests that I talk to each year seem to be used to this kinda thing and understand my predicament.  As I bowed my head he asked the good Lord to bless my soul.  I went my way.  My friend Paul was at the resto across.  I told him to order the paella.

Then it happened.

I do not know why but I broke down walking away from the church.   I did not even make it past the prayer room.   The priest that just blessed me seconds ago tapped me on the back and asked me about a movie release in the year I was born.  I guess he took the hint when he saw the tears running down my face.

Until now, I do not know why I cried.  In fact my eyes are teary as I write this.   I wept, quietly.  I could not let anyone see me like this. Weak.  Human. Crying.  I said another prayer of thanks.  I composed myself and made sure I regained composure before walking across to my friend Paul.  The tears still wanted to flow.  My eyes wet.  Until days later, I never got a fix on the reason for the tears.  I just cried.  Maybe it was fear that another year has passed.  Maybe it was latent loneliness.  Maybe I just missed my mom and wanted her to embrace me on my birthday.  

Maybe, it was the excitement for my first ever colonoscopy scheduled later that week.

Tears dried, I crossed the street.

A couple of buds were there. Paella were served.  I had coffee and ate a bit.  Discreetly, I got pissed at the service.  I really did not notice that only a few came.  I kinda expected everyone to be late and the turnout low because of the hasty invitation.  Some friends even decided to leave after eating the paella. It was cool.  I wanted it quiet and simple.  It was understandable that they would eat and run, it was a Monday.

Paul H. my bud asked me to go with him to Dugout because a classmate had a problem.  That place is owned by a friend but I wanted my birthday dinner quiet, incognito and maybe I would go there afterwards.

Paul had a hard time convincing me because I explained my cuz that had a dance class ad I invited her to that paella thing.  I just went along to get it over with and berate my classmate for being a dick on my “quiet” dinner.

I walked into Dugout and the place was packed.  As I entered, to my surprise, it was a surprise party in my honor!   

Everybody screamed when I went in.  Spooked, I thought I started a fight and did my Bruce Lee pose.   Thank God I did not do my RuPaul pose!  Now if I did the latter, that would have been a BIG, BIG PROBLEM.

OMG.  It was a surprise birthday party for me and I was surprised indeed.  I did not know how to react.  Noel Puyat was busy laying down the funk, beer was flowing, bros all over, Sigma Deltans and lady friends even my closest LSGH classmates were there warmed up with gifts!  Damn!  This was too much.  I was speechless.  I got back to the other place to collect my cuz and her guest.

Usually, I am the one that organizes these kinda things for my friends.  Never has anyone done anything like this for me.  I never asked or expected such a gift.  This is why it was not sinking in up until that time.   I did not break down because thank God I already shed tears at the church.

I spent awhile with my cuz and her cute friend because she was the only relative I had there.   She had a character named Juana Change and I kept introducing her to my guest as such, I was proud of her as my only relation present.  

The thing is, both of them were aghast with the mass of of friends I had for my party.  Hell, I was aghast myself!  When I would introduce them to my friends, I would say something about their backgrounds (Lawyer here, businessman here etc.).  They knew that I knew the people they were meeting EXTREMELY well.   They kept on saying that I was blessed with having so much friends (and that was less than a fourth of what I really have as close friends that managed to swing by).  I have to agree completely on that one. God has been good to me especially in that aspect.  

My blessings were my friends.

I take after my mom for having so many friends.  I can be the life of the party, provide the wit, have a comedy routine, buy the drinks or just bring in the “lady” friends.  On another side I can also be very private, a loner.  Like Smokey once sang in “Tears of a Clown” - “Now if I appear to be carefree It's only to camouflage my sadness, and honey to shield my pride I try to cover this hurt with a show of gladness”.  Quite extreme don’t you agree? 

As relayed to me via feedback through the 43 years of walking this earth, I have been known to posses such traits:

Like a Basque of Spain, I tend to fight for my cause, love passionately and value true friendship.  My last name is from that part of Spain but believe me, that is just coincidence.  There more Spanish in that can of sardines than what you see in me.  That part of the world also has the most extreme terrorist that makes the IRA look like kindergarten students. 

Others say that I am actually a modern Mafioso. A fun loving man that with values and honor.  I also put a premium on genuine friendship and my solemn word.   People should not dare me.  I will do it.   For when I call it, I do it.

Recently, a feng shui master also explained that I have the “look of prosperity” that will complete what I set out to do.  So you see, I am actually “kinda the extreme type”.

My 43^rd Birthday was memorable.  I realized how many real friends I still have.  I realized how lucky I am to be blessed with so much friends.  I realized I still have a mission to do.  I must be doing something right.

As a souvenir, I got a scrapbook full of sweet notes and dedications.  I have not read it completely.  Tears might flow again, tears of joy this time.  This gift will be kept in my safety deposit box. this is how valuable it is to me.

To my friends, thanks to all of you. I offer you this toast – Salud, Pesetas y MAS amor (To health, wealth and MORE Love).  Thank you for appreciating me for what I am.

Where did all the years go?  Life goes on.